How to describe the feeling of blind rage mixed with hopelessness that covers me like a ton of bricks tonight.
I am so angry I could tear this house apart.
For the first time in my life, I am unable to shake this feeling. I can't get out of my head, I can't stop being mad.
How do people adjust to disappointment, to loss and heartache? True heartache, not the kind that comes with losing a high school boyfriend. True biting heartache. Where do people turn to recalibrate their minds and come to terms with a reality that doesn't come tied up with a pretty bow?
The true heartache is not even mine, and I find myself unable to come to terms with it. The blows that life throws at you can be too much. How are we meant to cope when the unfair life takes aim at us? How do we avoid becoming angry souls, or drowning ourselves in alcohol, or sinking into depression?
Many will say religion. But that feels wrong for me. Like turning to a religion that I have pushed away my entire life would be a hypocrisy. Like it would be the easy way to gloss over what may just be the way of this world. To apply palatable answers to incomprehensible questions. For some, for many, religion is the right answer. For me, it feels like an answer I can't turn to. So what is left? A lifetime of waiting for the anger to turn to sadness and the sadness to dissipate into a dull ache that will last forever? A lifetime resigned to wandering around believing in nothing and no one and waiting for the bottom to drop out of my life - unsure of how I will handle it and how I will stop myself from sinking into a pit of anger that can't be escaped? A lifetime of focusing only on ensuring my own future survival, because I am so afraid of what will happen if any tiny thing goes wrong?
What kind of life is that? At every turn, it seems I see a sign pointing me in the direction of a church that I have avoided for over 30 years. I don't know if it's because something inside me is yearning for something more, or because I am desperate for some relief to the pain I am feeling and I believe that pouring myself into some sort of church will give me a false sense of security. I want a third option - something that doesn't involve a church I don't believe in or a lifetime of rootless existence.
I want a happy ending. I want hope and a miracle and good news for the ones I love. I want to believe in Heaven. I want to believe that good things will happen to good people.
