This is a message that I wish I could write now and send back to myself circa 2000 - a year that was both wonderful and horrible for me, a year about which I feel both regretful and reminiscient.
Occasionally something happens that makes me close my eyes and sigh with the deep appreciation for my life as it is at this very moment in time. Today I had one of those moments, which happen more and more often lately. And today when it happened I realized that I feel remorseful about the way I treated myself in my early 20s and how unhappy I really was. I blame myself. And I don't necessarily think that hindsight would make a difference, because when you're 20 your decision-making abilities are severely compromised by all sorts of factors, not the least of which is probably the copious amount of alcohol you are most likely consuming. But if I could send myself a letter (actually I would probably send a letter once a year until approximately 2007 - so, more to come...) - this is the first one I would send.
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A few months ago my aunt contacted me to suggest she come visit and of course I said yes. And then I mentioned it to my husband who actually was excited and is looking forward to it. Which is no surprise to me, of course, since she's awesome. This is simply a preface to a story in which I reflect on what complete douchebags I used to spend time with.
This very same Aunt one time took me and several other family members out to dinner at a restaurant at which my boyfriend at the time waited tables. She chose the restaurant on purpose and requested a table in his section on purpose. I can't recall exactly but I imagine it was because I couldn't get him to come to any family related events so we figured we'd take the family to him. And while we were at it we'd give him some business. So anyway we went and had this elaborate dinner at his restaurant, and she paid the bill. And I would never ever question her generosity when it came to the tip, not that I would ever have considered it my business or even thought about it. Until, later that night when I got a phone call from what I can only define as my parody of a boyfriend basically yelling at me about how he had expected more of a tip based on our personal relationship.
I really needn't go any further. Any self-respecting girl would have hung up and went on about her life with complete certainty that she was better off without such a total jerk. For reasons completely outside my realm of understanding, I continued to date this guy. I was mad, dont' get me wrong. I never apologized for the situation because I knew he was being a complete psycho. And yet, even knowing that 100% complete truth, I continued to date him for quite some time afterwards. And I paid for my stupidity 800 times over. Obviously a guy with enough gall to punish his girlfriend for not getting a big enough tip from her family will cheat on her without giving it a second thought. And then actually try to convince her after the fact that he wouldn't have done it if she wouldn't have graduated college a year before him and moved away. And then suggest that the situation could ultimately bring them closer together. Oh yeah.
Oh and by the way, did I mention that in college I once helped write an entire paper for this lunatic, on a subject about which I had zero knowledge, and when he didn't get an A he was mad at me! Yeah! I dated this guy! For a really long time!
So anyway, the moral of this story is that I made some seriously bad choices. And I made myself miserable for many years, during a time of life that was supposed to be fun and free. I suppose that my reward for all that sadness, anger, and frustration is that I was finally able to find clarity and focus, and then meet a nice guy with the true capacity to love and be loved. And for his presence in my life, and for the life we have together, I am eternally grateful.
A lot of people, when recalling their past decisions, say they wouldn't change a thing because their actions made them who they are today. But I have a cousin who is right now in college, the same age I was when I was in the throes of this toxic relationship. And if I were to tell her the details of my early 20s and she were to ask me what I would do if I could go back, I would tell her that I WOULD change some things. I would focus more on my friends and my classes. I would spend more time doing things I wanted to do for myself and less on trying to do things that I thought some guy wanted me to do. I would party just as much, but not with a boyfriend in mind. I would NOT have started smoking. I would appreciate every second of how beautiful and young and carefree I was and stop worrying about whether or not I was going to make anyone jealous by being confident and happy. I didn't enjoy my early 20s the way I should have, because I was too insecure and that stopped me from doing what I really wanted to do. And, looking back - I had nothing to be insecure about!
And that is my message to my dear cousin - not that she needs it, not that she asked for it - and to the rest of the late teens and 20-something women out there, and to myself back then, and to my friends back then ... YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE INSECURE ABOUT. And if anyone makes you feel like you do, get rid of them. As the saying goes - "Be Yourself and Say What You Think, because the People who Mind Don't Matter and the People who Matter Won't Mind." One day you will wake up, you will be 32 years old. You will look a little older and a little softer than you did in your early 20s. You may have a job or a child or a husband; you will definitely have responsibilities and a path that has taken on a life of its own. Gone will be the days where backpacking across the world is a viable option; perhaps even the days where you feel comfortable wearing a bikini in public will be gone. And you will wonder to yourself if you appreciated your early adulthood and all the sheer possibilities that came with it as much as possible; you will wonder if you treated your body and soul the way it deserved to be treated. And I sincerely hope that your answer to yourself will be that YES, you did.
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