Always trust your instincts when it comes to movies and food.

1.)  I gave in and went to see the Footloose re-make, despite my better instincts which were screaming at me to not pollute my mind with images of a new and inferior cast of characters.  Several people vehemently insisted the re-make was a feel good movie that was fun to watch with good music, dancing, and acting.  I am here to tell you that, being the Footloose aficianado that I am, those people are wrong.  (Sorry Mom.)  That movie was garbage.  Julianne Hough's voice alone was enough to make me consider leaving the theatre after 10 minutes.  The only two redeeming qualities were Dennis Quaid and Willard, Quaid because he's gorg and Willard because no matter who plays Willard he'll always be the best character in the movie.  So I learned to trust my instincts when it comes to movies.

Then I was thinking about other things I have ignored my instincts on and lived to regret it.  Point #2.

2.)  Oldie but a Goodie and topical - A couple of years ago I went to lunch with my boss at the time (who hated me) and a work person who I didn't really know.  I ordered a cheesesteak.  When it came out something seemed wrong, but I really wanted a cheesesteak.  Two things here - 1. - I should have known better than to order a cheesesteak in Texas and expect it to be anything besides not good.  2. - I chalked up the wrong feeling to the fact that I was out to lunch with my boss (who hated me... did I already say that?).    So I ate that cheesesteak and I ate it up right.  And a few hours later I was lying on the floor of my bathroom praying to any God I could think of to just let me live or let me die but remove me from the misery of food poison whatever way possible.  3 days later I think I finally mustered the courage to eat a cracker or something, and I gagged every time we drove by a McDonalds.  So then I learned I should trust my instincts when it comes to food, and so whenever Adam makes fun of me for smelling the milk, the cheese, the bread, the cereal, the lettuce, the Ranch dressing, the ketchup etc etc etc - I remind him of how I had to fight Death because I wasn't dilligent about my food. 

So what should you take from this story - you may ask?     Well - first, you should feel comfortable coming to my house to eat, secure in the knowledge that I will not let you eat anything I haven't already smelled; secondly I am a movie hypocrite because even though I say I hated that movie I bet you I will watch it when it comes out on HBO.  Like, every time it's on.    

Marriage Bets

Apparently there is such a thing as a marriage bet which, if you are ever offered one DO NOT take it.  Or at least, if my husband ever offers you one, DO NOT take it.  If you do I guess I will have to come teach you a lesson, so that's reason #2 (and the less-compelling one) for you to not take the bet.  The real reason is that a marriage bet consists of your spouse offering up "anything you want, once" if you win the bet.  Which sounds great, except that it works both ways.  And if you are notorious for losing bets with your sneaky gambler of a husband, then he will take advantage of this by offering one up when he knows you think you're right (and he has coerced someone to make you think you're right). 

I'm not going to go into details about what the bet entailed, because it doesn't matter  - but basically I was 100% positive I was right and he knew it, so he made me a "marriage bet".  And when he explained what it was, I was ecstatic, because I have a writer's mind and if someone offers me "anything you want, once" - I can figure out all sorts of ways to reword that later on and drag it out for eternity.  

Instead, I lost the bet.  Because he cheats.  But he still won.  So guess what he is honestly considering.  With "anythign you want" on the table, he is considering making me eat a McRib and a Filet o' Fish in one sitting.  This is what my HUSBAND wants for his one-time-only, anything-you-want bet.  Which is, like, incredibly insulting. 

Love and Hugs Don't Come Free 'Round These Here Parts

On Thursday, I was feeling needy and flailed all over my husband looking for affection, so he told me that I had to earn love and hugs, and that on that particular day I hadn't earned any.  Does this count as spousal abuse?  So that night I made him chicken and then poisoned it. 

Just kidding.  I did make chicken though.  After which I believe I earned one hug. 

Today I said "we need to put some Round Up on the rocks because they're getting clover" after which he stared at me in awe and wondered aloud why I didn't say "I need to put some Round Up on the rocks because they're getting clover."

The moral of this story is that in these sort of situations if I had a kid I would simply arrogantly proclaim that I carried his effing child for 9 months and then birthed it out of an orifice 1/8th its size - upon which he would bow down to the awesome miracle of life-giving beauty that is ME and then bring me some sort of frosty beverage.  In reality, I had no answer and simply said because I need help figuring out how to work the container.  Which, sadly, is true.

Texas is "Manly"

Best visitor review ever - "Texas is manly".  Because apparently at the Jersey Shore there are no such things as:

1.) Concrete suppliers
2.) Heavy Equipment rental stores
3.) "Dual-y" trucks
4.) Big burly men with cowboy hats (obviously)

Yes, Noreen.  Texas is, in fact, manly.    How can we get this on a Welcome to Texas billboard sign?  I would like for it to say - "Welcome to Texas - Now Man Up and Build Something"

Subliminal Messages Piss Me Off

I was just subjected to the usual ridiculousness of a Cialis commercial, in which a couple hooks up at  grocery store and then partakes in a picnic that magically appears in the middle of the healthiest orange orchard on the face of the Earth.    Which would be annoying enough but for the 10-second close up on their wedding rings halfway through the commercial, which leads me to believe that the makers of Cialis want to ensure that all their viewers understand that they only condone sex enhancing drugs when taken by married folks.    After which, we all know the couple is to sit side by side in separate claw-footed bathtubs, outside and holding hands.  Because you can have sex (outside, in a public place) but you can't share a bathtub.   And when you do take a bath (in a public place), it ought to be outside.   Explain that. 

OMG, a baby is coming to stay

So, there's going to be a baby living in my house for 4 days this weekend and I am terrified.  Like as terrified as one might be if they were told there was going to be a werewolf living in their attic for a weekend. 
Here are the ways in which my house is not prepared for a baby:

1.) You can't even get in my house without climbing a flight of wooden stairs with great big gaps between each step, big enough for a baby to fit through.
2.) There is a big hole in my door that a baby can fit through, even though it's meant for a dog.
3.) There's a dog.  Who doesn't understand what babies are.  Because she's only seen one, like, once.  And she licked its face.  Which I fear was a big party foul for my dog, she has no manners I swear.  Perhaps indicative of the sort of manners my future child would have if I ever had one.
4.) No diapers.  We do have baby wipes though.  (plus 1 point)
5.) Too much alcohol.
6.) Not enough other stuff.
7.) Me and Adam live here.  Which, let's face it, means there's not much besides books and electronics in the house.  And we're OCD. 

Despite all this, I can't wait to see my friend and her son.  They haven't been to Texas yet so it will be great to show her where we live and get to spend time with her.  I just hope that they can survive a weekend in my family-free house (I think Adam referred to it as a love-free-zone the other day) without getting too frustrated with our complete lack of know-how. 

More updates on this later.  Can't wait though!

Tempers, and Sometimes Nostrils, Flare at Work

So I hardly ever get mad.  I mean hardly ever.  Especially at work, because I am cursed with this temptation to see other people's viewpoints as having more merit than my own.  So generally when I am met with confrontation at work I tend to lean in the direction of complacency because I find it hard to justify arguing my own point - something that I know is wrong and that I am working on fixing. 

But yesterday I got in a bona fide fight with one of my closest work colleagues - my "best friend at work" to quote Fortune Magazine.    Complete with raised voices and red faces and evil eyes.  Ending with each of us employing our favorite escape route - her grabbing her keys and leaving and me picking my shit up and walking out of her office without saying good-bye.  Pure passive aggressive behavior in its worst form. 

It's important to maintain perspective when these things happen.  It would have been easy for both of us to allow bitterness and anger to negatively impact our normally very good working relationship.  Women are notorious for allowing personal feelings to interfere with business.  I'm sure I have feminist friends who will argue that I am damaging the female species by even daring to write this, but I think it's a pretty accurate statement.  I've seen it happen enough, whereas I regularly see men get into very vocal arguments at work and then turn around and go to lunch and joke about it immediately after.

However, this post is not about gender equality or feminism - women have very many good qualities in the workplace and all of us, male and female and individually, come with our own treasure trove of abilities.

This post is about the importance of remembering that we can argue with one another, as me and my co-worker did yesterday, but demonstrating the ability and willingness to sit down and talk through it and work it out together, even after tempers have flared and feelings have been hurt, is key to success in the workplace.   And that is just what we did, via a heated phone call directly after work wherein we argued more and finally came to the sort of "agree to disagree for now" solution that is sometimes the only one that makes sense.

I appreciate that I am close enough to this co-worker that I can argue with her one day and approach her the next with questions and conversation about the same and other important topics.  This reveals not only a solid working relationship but also a friendship that appreciates and understands the value of individuality and conversation.    It's important to appreciate the relationships you have that allow you to speak freely with the reassurance that your voice will be heard.

Remember to take with you to work, every day, a mind that is open to questions and debate and a soul that is predisposed to teamwork and collaboration.  As I saw written on a colleague's blackboard, seek first to understand, then to be understood.